I’m sitting in my quiet flat, just enjoying the silence and the small noises beyond the silence like the humming of the heating and the muffled conversations of passersby. It soothes me, just as the brilliant sunlight soothes me that’s coming through my windows facing my porch and dancing across my legs as I sit in the sunbeam and write this passage.
Today feels like a fog has lifted and I can finally see clearly. I can finally feel clearly.
I’ve always tended to go through these periods of not knowing where I stand, not really knowing how or when it starts until it comes to the surface. A slow simmer that often goes unnoticed until eventually it bursts into a rapid boil and catches me off guard. Over the last year in particular I’ve been able to be more in tune with this ebb and flow, these patterns of slow building to immediate overwhelm. My intentions were to learn about them so I could stop them from happening, but now as I sit here and I feel the inner peace that only comes from learning to be ok with your feelings, I conclude that it was never my job.
I have been living in an almost empty flat for just over a week now. This is something that I chose, I knew it might be a little difficult to get used to, but I knew that I could do it. And sitting here now I know that I was right in my belief in myself. I have realized that so much of my doubt and my overwhelm this week has come from other people.
Nearly every person I have told about our decision for Justin to go back and me to stay hereso I can stay in my routine have all had the almost identical reaction “why split up?” “so your going to be all alone?” and while I can appreciate that they were expressing concern out of love I have to be honest how frustrating this had become. I felt as though I had to defend myself and over explain my reasonings, especially with those closest to me. It’s as if because I have a partner, the person and in particular the woman I am is not enough. I can’t be whole on my own as a vulnerable young female.
I am calling this out. Not my family and friends of course, but on societies views on girls and women. It’s nothing new I know this, but just within a matter of a few days I went from feeling confident and brave about my decision to feeling lonely and scared and that maybe I can’t be alone. I don’t think people intentionally do this, but how remarkable is it that the language and the words we use can be so oppressive?
I think it becomes easier to invite drama into our lives than to be happy. With drama you can blame everyone and everything else. But when you choose to be happy, nothing can compare to the real thing. Happy is honesty, it’s patience, it’s integrity, it’s drama-free.
It’s ok to be side-tracked on your way to happiness, but the way back is to simply keep choosing it, over those negative feelings and negative people.
So after some much needed rest I feel back to my equilibrium. And I feel brave and confident and courageous again. I have taken the time to do what makes me happy. I had the time and the motivation to start a new book, practice yoga, to make myself a nice breakfast and to clean up after myself. That’s a huge one, to clean up after myself, it seems so simple and yet I’m often so rushed and frantic out the door that I don’t have the time to clean up. I save it for later. Now that I have been able to slow down with all the time on my own, I make the time.
I want this transition period to be about simple, but impactful changes so that I can learn how to truly embrace the beauty and empowerment of being independent. This not only helps and benefits me, but it benefits my family and it especially benefits Justin. He out of everyone has supported me through this, and his belief in me is incredible. He reminds me how strong I am when others make me question it and I not only owe it to him but to myself to enjoy the lessons that will come from this.
So here is to embracing simplicity in all the aspects of my life in this moment. I will eat for one, I will grocery shop and cook for one. I will be extremely thankful for the one pan, one spatula and one pot that I have to cook with. I will save and reuse my sacred plastic cutlery and tupperware.
I will watch what I want on tv, but I will also mix in some books so I don’t get too sunk into my blow up mattress. I will remind myself to meditate and go for walks and make time for yoga.
And now I’m off to finally take pictures of my now limited wardrobe to create outfits with what I already own. My very own capsule wardrobe that I’ve been putting off for over a year. I think it’s important to do things you say you will, no matter how long it takes you.
You can call it simplistic, minimalistic, but at the end of the day it’s just that feeling of being at peace and feeling whole exactly as you are with exactly what you have.