It’s never easy to become the person you want to be, especially when you’re not quite sure who that person is. But that’s the beauty of the caterpillar is it not? As it wraps itself in a cocoon, not only does it become the most vulnerable it will ever be in it’s life, but it’s risking everything to the blind faith. This leap into the abyss of the unknown is how the last six weeks of my life have been.
Risking it all Justin and I finally started our road trip from the beautifully sun lit Tucson Arizona, to the snow capital of America, Syracuse New York. With just two bags each, a blow up mattress, a few pots and pans (courtesy of my sister and brother-in-law), and a bike Justin just had to have, these two desert kids dove head first into their cocoons and rode them a long 3 days and 10 state-lines eastward to the Empire State. To say this was scary, that it was risky, that it was an emotional rollercoaster, would be an understatement.
But to say it wasn’t an experience full of fun & comical adventure would be lying. There is something charming about sleeping in one’s vehicle with all the other traveller’s making their way homeward. There is something gratifying about finally making it out of damn New Mexico, and then out of the southwest all together. We drove about 10-12 hrs each day, and made small adjustments to our plans as we went along to ultimately get our asses to Cleveland so we could make the most of a hotel stay in real beds, eat some real food and shower to our hearts content. We were so serious about our reward of sleep that we got a room with two queen sized beds. And you better believe we each slept and stretched all the way out on our very own mattresses that night.
Oh you thought I was joking about having our own beds?
While the road trip was long and at times a little daunting, it truly was enjoyable. We talked, we laughed, we sat quietly, we slept awkwardly, we sang and sang and hummed and sang our merry little way across the country. The importance was in perspective, and in this deep seeded feeling we keep trying to define, the closest we can come to is a blind faith. Here we are, actually driving ourselves to Syracuse NY. We knew this was the plan, but the plan felt so unfinished. There were still so many factors unknown. But when you make a decision on the foundation of a gut feeling, a decision on trust in yourself, you have to go all in. You have to decide you will make it, and do whatever it takes. It’s not on you to define what that will be, but what is on you is the decision and the will to believe in yourself enough to know that you can.
The caterpillar gives up everything it ever was to become something else, something more beautiful than it could have ever have imagined. Blind faith. Believe in yourself. Most of us think it’s a gift, or a blessing to the rare few. What we’ve learned is that it is a choice, and anyone can make it at any time in their life. But only you can choose for yourself.
Don’t overcomplicate the simple. Before any of this, last year I was still having crashes almost weekly with my M.E. and going through bouts of booming and busting with my energy, and becoming so frustrated. Then I started to tell myself that I wanted to be healthier and happier. That was my main focus, I didn’t emphasize any specifics. I defined my why, and when it all got too much, in periods of great stress I reminded myself, all I want is to be healthier and therefore happier. And this simple affirmation helped me see the choices I had more clearly. Slowly I began to live more consciously, and the more I reminded myself of my why, the easier it became to make those better choices for myself. I wouldn’t even have to second guess myself most of the time, it would just naturally come to me. And for the times when a major stressful situation did arise, I could give myself the space and time I needed to handle it in the best way I possibly could.
Since then, I have been so blessed and have been through some truly amazing experiences I could have never imagined. Here I am writing a blog, which is something I have always wanted to do. Not only for my love of writing and expression but it has helped me cope with living with a chronic illness and chronic pain, and has acted as a catalyst for meeting so many others out there living with different illnesses, disorders, syndromes and the like who are just trying to make the most out of their lives and take less things for granted.
Justin and I got to Syracuse merely a week and a half ago and are now already both working. Not only are we working, but the environments each of us have found for our career fields are as if these jobs were designed just for us, just for this time in our lives, with just the right people around us. I don’t see this as a coincidence, I see this as the road map we’re designing. I see this as the next steps to living healthier and happier. And it amazes me, it inspires me, and it leaves me speechless. The only thing I could say was “thank you”.
When in doubt, when in fear, when in love, when in amazement, when in joy, when in tears, thank you.
That’s blind faith.