lost places, feelings found

I’ve been doing pretty well with my routine since my last post. Aside from a few mornings of sleeping in a little longer I have really found it to be achievable and helpful. I am still going to maintain this for another couple weeks before I dare add anything else to it, although the temptation is there, what I am trying to achieve is just as much about the simplicity of it as it is about the tasks themselves. Building good habits starts in our daily routines, and the struggle I have always had has been in the consistency. The follow through is what’s most important to me now.

So this is my intention for the next two weeks, to follow through with my daily rituals, and be ok with not adding on to this for now. It’s amazing to me the insights that a daily routine has given me about myself. It has really shed light on the mind, body, spirit connection and the balances and imbalances in my life. I felt very vulnerable, and almost uncomfortably so at first with how sensitive I seemed to the slightest nuances and changes, already being a highly sensitive person I am prone to this, but it just felt unbearable at times in it’s intensity this last week. I haven’t felt this openly sensitive for long periods of time in quite awhile, which made me wonder why. Did I do something to make myself move backwards in my healing? Even now as I type that sentence my heart answers me that moving backwards in healing is not possible.

The process of healing is such a personal and intangible plane of it’s own accord. It is not limited to a two way street of forwards or backwards, right or wrong. That is what the process is, it takes however long it takes. Knowing this and accepting this are two different things. I know this in my heart, accepting it however takes a constant effort. Sometimes I am strong enough to accept it, at other times I waiver. This openness I was feeling made me feel so vulnerable I took it as a weakness. I knew this is a fear from the past.  So I tried my best to console myself, and ask myself what is this your feeling? where is it coming from? And a few days would pass, and the feelings were getting a little more manageable, at least I could put a little space between the way I was feeling and the way I feel about myself.

And so I asked again, what are these feelings? Where is it coming from, but the way I asked was different. It was kinder and more curious than accusatory in tone. It was coming from a place of self love and acceptance. And a few more days went by and slowly a layer would peel back and give me answers. I would be in a deep conversation with Justin and a certain word or topic would suddenly bring tears to the surface, I still didn’t know why, but I just took it as it came. Knowing that I was getting closer to my answers, and better still getting closer to asking the right questions.

I sat in reflection, I used the moments of silence in my day to be as still as possible. When you are feeling so much and thinking so much this can be very challenging, but I knew it was important. Sometimes you have to be uncomfortable to find out why this discomfort exists. I sat in the bath, draped in candle light and listening to a favorite of mine on Spotify, “Crystal Voices” which is the healing sounds of Tibetan crystal bowls, whose frequencies are said to match that of our own biological vibrations and can help to massage the soul and body through their sounds. With this playing in the bckground, I thought about all that I have, and all that I am grateful for. And I felt this rush of sadness, and uncertainty and pain. I asked again what is it that your feeling? Where is it coming from? My answer was clear, although still a little hard to put into words. I was feeling homesick.

But not in the ordinary definition of the word that comes to mind. Yes it is true that Justin and I both have been thinking a lot about Cambridge, and I truly do miss the place itself, and especially the people we made connections with there, but even more than this I miss the feelings I had there, the feelings of comfort, of having made a home for ourselves, of having established a clientele, of having finally triumphed over my inherent shyness and made true friends for myself. To boot I have a homesickness for Arizona, my first home, and for my family, for the simple pleasures of it’s warmth and sunshine always at your disposal. And I was also feeling a little guilt for feeling this way, when we have truly been blessed in many ways already in this new place we’ve moved to.

 

There is a Welsh word that better suits this longing

 

hiraeth (n.) a homesickness for a home in which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for lost places in your past.

 

Ironic as life is, deciphering that this was the source for the vulnerability and fear I have been dealing with I am taken back to this feeling of hiraeth that I felt when we first moved to England. I forgot how displaced I felt, how unsure of myself I was, how insecure and isolated those first six months felt. And yet somehow, I managed to overcome all of that. I created a life for myself that I would have never thought possible before that excruciating process of growing and being forced out of my comfort zone further than ever before. The funny thing about self awareness is that you never really do stop the process of growth. It comes in seasons, indeed like a plant, you too have your cycles. And when you are going through these immense changes, it’s as if returning to the infancy of a seed. You forget what it was like to not know what lies ahead, to be in the dark, gestating and awaiting to be ready to become the new you. Just like a seed, you have to crack and break sometimes in order to grow. But the beauty that lays beyond this is an even better version of yourself.

Who knows how many times this will be in your lifetime. Maybe just as many times as it takes for you to reach your truest self, the person who without a shadow of a doubt knows who they are, and knows their own strength, beauty, and purpose. All I know is that I am getting closer, I am getting better, and more importantly I am feeling better about myself. I am learning to trust my intuition and follow my feelings. This gives me the freedom to be more and more myself, and when you feel this freedom I think you inherently give off this energy that allows others around you to feel safe enough to also be themselves. The more we can all feel this, I believe, the better our lives and our world can be.

Once I found the source of the pain, I was able to move on from it. I still may find myself wrapped up in the nostalgia sometimes, and that’s ok. That’s why we have memories, to learn from and to cherish those parts of your life. I don’t have to let go or move on completely, but I do want to remind myself to be present with the now an
d to stay mindful. I can catch glimpses of what our future looks like here, and I know that it’s going to be better than I ever thought possible once again. Hope shows itself in surprising and wonderful ways, leading us in the right direction of our main focus and for me that is to live a happier and healthier life, and I will continue to put my trust in that.

 

kindly, cara

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