full disclosure

I’ve been working in my new job for just over a month, and it feels far longer than that in the best possible way. I have come back to my passion, my love of the art hairdressing. I am doing what I love, and the money and the clientele are slowly building. A change has sparked in me, and it has carried over to all aspects of my life, even what used to be the most scary and tipped toed around aspects such as earning a living, and balancing work with a chronic illness, and just trying to be a good and empathetic person in general while also learning how to put myself first.

The spark I believe to be self-worth. It is something I have been working on first consciously, then unconsciously and in quiet and secret even from myself at times. Until one day it made itself known, in a calm yet confident voice barely louder than a whisper. It had no monologue prepared, no mantra on repeat, just a small but impactful clearing of the throat, “Ah-hem”. And that was all it took for me to understand, it’s purpose was mere presence.

Now every challenge I face, every anxious task and tally mark yet done is seen through a slightly clearer lens, and I am able to face it. Every tiny joy is felt even deeper, and what’s more the periods of contentedness in between are cherished for all that they are. The moments of my existence are adding up to a sum of a beautiful life. Having nothing to do with what I am actually doing, where I am or who I am with. This is conscious living, that I am participating in. I am fully and actively a participant in my own life. I choose my story as I go along, merely by knowing exactly who I am and accepting that I am enough. As is.

Now comes the full disclosure part, this does not mean I never feel sad, never cry, never feel pain. It is quite the contrary, and I firmly believe this must be known, for in pain and suffering it is often our instinct to feel alone, and in these moments of weakness if you cannot rely on yourself to be loving to yourself then self destruction is to follow. The thing you need most to heal, is to see yourself at your weakest, and to love yourself, as is. Not how it could be would be or should be. Love your self that’s crying alone on the bathroom floor. It’s as simple as that. Notice that I said simple, not easy. A lot of the most important choices we face are simple, but hard. Notice how I said hard, not impossible.

This is me paraphrasing a speech that I often recall in my head from motivational speaker Eric Thomas
“Pain is a temporary state, it may last a day, it may last a month, it may last years. But if you quit on yourself, it will last forever.”

Make the pain mean something, turn it into something better, and do it for yourself first, before you can start to think about anybody else.I still deal with chronic pain, chronic fatigue and chronic inflammation from M.E. That part hasn’t changed, it hasn’t stopped or ever gone away through this journey. What has changed is the way I feel about myself, and the way I live my life. The way I am so thankful for my life, for my body, for my soul, I wouldn’t choose to be anybody else. Yes, I have my insecurities and my doubts as does everyone, but they no longer hold me back.

Matter of fact here is an example of one of the things I would like to work on, where as in the past I may have seen it as a failure left too long to overcome. I would like to work on staying in touch with the people I care about who are far away from me, which is basically everyone besides Justin who I thankfully get to see and share my life with day to day. As for my friends and family I would like to stay in touch more, however a challenge for me is talking on the phone, face-timing, and even text messaging are somehow still a trigger for me for stress and overwhelm.

Instead of racking myself with guilt I’m deciding to
A.) say what it is that’s challenging me out loud and having it in front of me on this screen so I can see it
B.) Let it sit with me for a little while until a solution comes to me.

Because guess what? The people who I love and care about, also love and care about me. You are all probably reading this right now because that is how much you support me, and even though it may be difficult to reach me you still care about me and know I deeply care about you. So now that the guilt I’m placing on myself in the form of losing loved ones is off of my chest I hope to get back a few answers on how I can solve the problem.

Sometimes getting it out of our heads and on to paper (so to speak) can help us understand how to really address it, rather than let it poison our thoughts and feelings about ourselves. Write it, shout it, paint it, dance it out just get it OUT. The more you do, the more room for letting self-worth in.

kindly, cara

3 Comments

  1. December 10, 2017 / 1:04 pm

    This is a beautiful essay and so well-written (though I realize that’s not the point). Still, your writing enables me to let go of the conscious nature of reading and sort of just absorb the message. Lovely.

    • cara
      December 11, 2017 / 8:46 pm

      Thank you so much Amy! This is such a wonderful compliment, and I am so happy that you took the time to read it. One of the things about blogging that worried me was the fact that I am coming at it from more of a writing stand point, and sometimes I would fear that it would be seen as too many words to scroll through. But I love that I can express in writing what is in my head, that doesn’t usually come out of my mouth so well 🙂 I am so glad that you got it! Thank you, and I will most definitely be checking out your website as well. xx kindly, cara

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