I took some time out from writing for these past few months. It’s hard to believe that 2 whole seasons came and went. And in those seasons many things happened. It felt as though the longer I went without writing the harder it felt to corral myself and my thoughts in to a steady enough space to write. I have wanted to write, the want is always there, but the focus was not. I found this annoying at first, almost making me want to force out a post, but the frustration only left me feeling more blocked. So I settled for observing. I observed my feelings, my actions, life in the day to day that slowly but inevitably becomes our week to week and month to month. And here I find myself in winter, in a dark and cold climate, and in a capricious mood of late, finally ready to compose.
I’d like to share a few of the highs and lows of my hiatus, the first and probably most exciting is that Justin and I adopted a puppy! We have wanted a dog for many years now, but the unpredictability of moving has been a big factor in us holding off. We have been through a lot in moving to Syracuse, Justin leaving the military and going back to school, me starting over in my hair career only to do it once more after being let go from the first place I tried here. Not to mention transitioning into a new place and work schedule with a chronic illness, to say we sacrificed a lot feels like an understatement. I feel as though the universe heard us crying out for a sign, for stability and for some grounding. She answered us with almost the opposite of all of those things; an 8 week old Giberian Shepksy pup who can and will eat everything, who needs potty training, who’s teeth are the sharpest things I’ve ever had nipping at my skin, who doesn’t like sleeping in the crate you swore you would train her to love.
You know when everyone tells you the same thing over and over, “puppies are hard work”, but you know already, and you’ve thought it through carefully, and mostly you’re sick of hearing the same tired sentence? Well, shit. Puppies are hard. ass. work. We felt like new parents who didn’t know what they had gotten themselves into. There was crying, from her and from us in equal amounts. There was plans to go away made before we had a puppy, that couldn’t happen anymore. There was doubt, there was worry, and there was so, so, so, so, sooo much pee.
But there was also so, so, so, so, sooo much love. It’s so different to hear about what something is like than to actually f e e l it yourself. I will try my hardest to explain, and those of you that have animals of your own, children of your own, beautiful creatures that depend on you, already know it. You guys, it is an expansion of your heart that you couldn’t of ever fathomed. How was there this much more room in there? And it just keeps growing as she keeps growing. It is tremendous. As I sit here writing, she is nestled so close to me with her head in my lap, snoring out noises like a hog. She has taught us both so immeasurably lessons in patience, in healing, in learning, in problem solving and in unequivocal, unconditional love.
She is smart, sometimes too smart for her own good. She has energy for days, but she also loves her lazy lounging around the house time. She is empathetic when I’m not feeling well, she’s aware of when Justin needs to bear down and focus on homework and tries her hardest to entertain herself with her toys. She is emotional and expressive with her voice and her body language. As she grows she matures more and more and we both feel so proud of her when we see her figure out something new. We had to give her a middle name for all the times we’ve found ourselves saying “don’t eat that, don’t chew that, don’t bite me” and somehow it’s just stuck. So her name is Onyx Maria, and she has grounded us, she has helped us settle in this new home and new stages of our lives.
As for the rest, I have had a few crashes with my M.E. that led me to make the decision to work part-time for now. It wasn’t easy for many reasons that I would like to go more in depth about in a post more dedicated to my experience of working and managing a chronic illness that I will share in due time. I do know that it was the right decision however, as hard as it’s been to really budget and make some sacrifices financially, I am validated by the fact that I am here right now with the passion and the drive to write this post out. To simply write anything out is a joy that I am so grateful for. My aim is to balance my energy to get the most out of my life and to make great efforts to improve the quality of it.
Another accomplishment I feel proud of is that I have created my first capsule wardrobe. This has been a long time coming for me. It’s been a goal that I hadn’t truly given the dedication or time. Instead of waiting for the right season, the right clothes to go in it, the right moment when I had enough energy, I just simply stopped thinking about it and just did it. I did it until it was done. I did it on a day where my physical energy was low and my mental energy was lower, but there came a point at which I realized that resting and laying in bed worrying are two different things. So I started, I acted, and through my actions came a state of calm and of purpose. I will be sharing more in depth on my capsule wardrobe experience in posts to come as well. I am already surprised by the way it’s lended me more clarity not just in my clothes and style but in life goals and in priorities.
I do indeed feel like I’m coming out of a fog that I didn’t really know was there, or one I had gotten so accustomed to I didn’t even feel it’s weight anymore until I took a few tiny steps forward, into the other side of it.
Observing my life these last few months has helped me see myself and my life with a little space between who I am and the way I feel.
It’s helped me in recognizing that they are not the same thing. I have had a lot of deep emotions, a series of stress and anxiety and doubt in this season, but knowing that these are my feelings, not who I am, is helping me work through them better. I want to share the fact that I’ve been struggling because what has helped me through is others who bravely share their own struggles, through reading articles, watching the life changing documentary “Unrest” and even through my instagram community I have found strength and compassion and hope to carry me though. I want to lend that same hope out to anyone that needs it. You are not alone in this life, you are not alone in your feelings. Reach out- share, create, pray, cry, write, read, give yourself the permission to get out of your own head even for a moment, and I promise you, you will feel better. You deserve peace.
“The psyches and souls of women also have their own cycles and seasons of doing and solitude, running and staying, being involved and being removed, questing and resting, creating and incubating, being of the world and returning to the soul-place”
-Clarissa Pinkola Estes
_quote I encountered from @corawomen that truly moved me and feels as though it sums up the way I have been feeling as of late._