How do we move from healing to healed? Is there such a thing? Or, is there always healing to be done, be it physically, emotionally or spiritually? It seems we are all working things out for ourselves and about ourselves.
For me it’s taken a physical form lately, which was really surprising. In the midst of this collective slow down we’ve all had to partake in due to the pandemic, it brought to the surface some unhealed pain that I didn’t know was there. Or rather, that I didn’t know was as bad as it is.
I have a chronic neurological condition that effects my nerves and immune system, and part of my symptoms are chronic pain and fatigue. I have worked for the past few years on healing my nervous and immune system bit by bit, but I still have pain and fatigue daily. So it’s hard to know if it’s gotten worse in the last few weeks, or if by slowing down all the way has shed light on what was already there.
Either way, I got extremely frustrated, not only by feeling like my nerves were on fire, but in feeling that I had backtracked in my healing.
I felt annoyed on top of being in so much pain that I could hardly stand. Unable to do much else, I got myself into a hot bath and turned on an audiobook to help calm me down. As I sat in the warm water, I focused on my breathing instead of my anxious thoughts and began to get some space from how I was feeling emotionally vs physically.
As I began to try to understand what I needed instead of judge myself for what I was feeling, I started to feel better emotionally. And from this new space of acceptance I knew what to do to help me start to feel physically better. I got out of the bath, communicated to my husband how I was feeling, and he helped me into our bed and I rested. I took calming full breaths, I did a meditation exercise and then put on a favorite show to listen to while I laid there.
I sat with the pain, I breathed into the places that felt engulfed in flames, each cell responding to the oxygen that it was receiving and together we worked to put the fire out.
I am beginning to wonder if the words healing & living are synonymous.
To heal ourselves so that we may live, requires us to live in such a way that allows us to heal. I realized that just because I still have work to do does not defeat all the work I have already done. It simply means that I have more healing to do.
So for now I’m going to take this time as a blessing, and I’m going to rest more to give my nerves the healing they deserve. All we can do is take our healing one day at a time, sometimes even one moment at a time. It’s up to us to listen to what our healing is asking of us, and so that’s where I’ll restart.